How Can I Teach My Daughter Tolerance?

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Parents

A boy in my 8-year-old daughter's class has a cleft palate. I know that he has trouble finding friends because other kidsincluding my daughterare wary of his difference. How can I encourage her to reach out to him so other kids will too?
Jane

This is an excellent opportunity for you to teach your daughter about accepting others. Kids are often sharp observers of physical appearances and, like your daughter, many are initially wary of others with noticeable differences.

Provide basic information about cleft palate so your daughter will understand it. Emphasize that although some kids may look different, they are just like other children in many ways. Keep it as simple and direct as possible, perhaps saying something like: "Johnny was born with an opening on the roof of his mouth, called a cleft palate. His doctors are working to make it better and he sometimes has trouble saying certain sounds."

Focus on how the boy is just like other kids, perhaps saying something like, "He's a good reader like you and likes to play soccer."

Encourage your daughter to talk to him or ask him to play in the same ways she does with other kids. If she's reluctant to do this for fear of what her friends think, ask her to consider how she would feel if others excluded her based on a physical feature that she couldn't help, like glasses or a birthmark. 

Forcing your daughter to develop friendships with specific kids isn't likely to work. But you can continue to gently encourage her to reach out to the boy, help her feel more comfortable and confident interacting with people who are different for any reason, and teach ways to be more accepting of them.

And don't forget to pay attention to the way you treat others with differences, as the example you set will strongly influence your daughter's behavior.

Reviewed by: Steven Dowshen, MD
Date reviewed: November 2010

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Although we can't reply personally, you may see your question posted to this page in the future. If you're looking for medical advice, a diagnosis, or treatment, consult your doctor or other qualified medical professional. If this is an emergency, contact emergency services in your area.



Related Resources

Web SiteIt's My Life | PBS Kids GO! A safe, fun site for kids covering many topics, from handling divorce and bullies to learning about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and smoking - plus lots more.
Web SiteTolerance.org Tolerance.org encourages people from all walks of life to fight hate and promote tolerance.
OrganizationAnti-Defamation League The mission of this organization is to fight anti-Semitism and bigotry of all kinds.
Web SiteStop Bullying This U.S. government website offers valuable resources for kids and adults on bullying awareness, prevention, and intervention.


Related Articles

Helping Kids Deal With Bullies Unfortunately, bullying is a common part of childhood. But parents can help kids cope with it and lessen its lasting impact.
Teaching Your Child Tolerance Teaching tolerance is important - the differences that come from living in a melting pot enrich our culture, bringing new ideas and energy. And people who are open to differences have more opportunities in education, business, and so many other ways.
Cleft Lip and Palate Oral-facial clefts are birth defects in which the tissues of the mouth or lip don't form properly during fetal development. The good news is that both cleft lip and cleft palate are treatable.
Cyberbullying Cyberbullying is the use of technology to harass, threaten, embarrass or target another person. Here are some suggestions on what to do if online bullying has become part of your child's life.




Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.

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